PRESENCE

Love after Love

Derek Walcott

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread, Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

As I contemplate the theme of the upcoming New MOON Soma Dance - The Presence, I reflect on my own journey and experiences of coming to know the presence of my own being. I remember the beginning of my meditations and the struggles that I had. I bought a one-way ticket to India and went to see my spiritual teacher Mooji Baba, spending six weeks in service and immersed in Advaita teachings. The essence of the teaching is that we are beyond this personality and the practice is not to take things personally when we are challenged in life. Literally, what Mooji is teaching us is that we are not separated from each other and the Source.

I have been pondering one of his sentences: “The only thing that creates a sense of separation between you and me is my thought of you.” We are so deeply conditioned to see other people as separate from us; if we practise to see each other as ourselves, we would live in a completely different world.

Once I started to peel the layers, I realised: “We are being lived by forces we can’t understand.” We can’t control our thinking mind nor our emotions, and some of us desperately want to feel happy and at ease with ourselves. I certainly had this deep longing to return to myself, and this one-way ticket to India was one of the reasons, my long hours of meditations was another, my plant medicine journeys was yet another, and and my pilgrimages and prayers…

I heard Ma Devaki, another spiritual teacher, saying that we must have one-pointedness to reach God. That means: “One purpose - falling in love with the Beloved - the essence of your true nature. But for this miracle to occur, your vessel has to be absolutely pure, flawless.”

I am quoting Richard Rudd, the author of the Gene Keys. If you are looking to understand your path and your psyche a little better, I would recommend checking out your profile, which is free: https://genekeys.com/free-profile/.

As I dive a little bit deeper, I certainly have a better understanding of why I am the way I am, and that can help.

I would like to quote a part from my Gene Key that deeply resonated with me and might give you some insight too:

“AS LONG AS YOU SURRENDER YOUR WILL TO THE EMOTIONAL SYSTEM, THEN YOU WILL BE TRAPPED BY ITS VOLATILE NATURE. If you have ever been emotionally SUPPRESSED THROUGH shame, guilt, or abuse, the entire culture within your being has been disturbed. From the year 7 to 14, we navigate the period of puberty. An enormous amount of life energy is tied up to protect ourselves from volatile emotional situations we felt as children. Unless we enter into a deep process of deconditioning, we will continue to carry those defences throughout our adult lives. We invest the majority of our energy in defence.”

“Difficulties emerge when we react or suppress our feelings out of fear or anger, creating enormous turbulence in our own lives and those closest to us.”

When I contemplate the last quote, I certainly feel how dance has been an enormous ally to help me feel and express the anger and my sadness, which I am more aware of. When it comes to anger, I never knew I was suppressing it so deeply. Play me some badass percussion tune, and you will see me in rage!

I heard the saying that energy is nothing until expressed, and unexpressed energy makes us ill. Unexpressed emotions get stuck inside our nervous system and manifest as disease. Music triggers feelings and dance helps us to express and release, allowing us to feel more spacious and giving us the opportunity to be present.

At the beginning, it can be quite a challenge to be on a dance floor, allowing oneself to feel and express. I remember times when I was dancing, but not really dancing: my body would move, but my mind would be somewhere else. The practice then is to notice this and bring your awareness back to your body, back to a deeper breath, back to listening to the sound, entering into a space of co-creation.

If that is still a challenge, you could use the tool of self-inquiry. Ramana Maharshi, a great Master, introduced self-inquiry by simply asking the question: “Who is the one that thinks this thought? Who is the one that feels this emotion?” Our pure essence is not contaminated by any dogmas, belief systems, or conditioning. Once we get to know that deep place inside our being by asking this simple question, we can help ourselves come back to the present moment.

I am here. Take a deep breath in, and with the outbreath, release the tension that was holding you somewhere else.

Different tools apply to different people. Recently, I experienced some persistent thought patterns and kept asking myself why they were there. Until I read Dr. Claire Hayes' book How to Cope and learned about the Welcoming Approach. Of course, then it made sense to me: “What you resist, persists.” Then I said to those thoughts, "You are welcome to stay here," and immediately I felt a sense of peace.

Ultimately, presence does not mean peace. But we can learn to stay present for ourselves instead of running away.

“Accept the pain rather than run from it. In embracing pain, you are actually trusting in your strength.” - Richard Rudd